Non sense

I'm feeling quite restless

writing this 

while resting at library

I know

I'm taking this slow

reading those notes

not actually force myself 

to study them thoroughly

or remember those just by one look

the act of reading 

just enough to keep me expose myself 

to the information

nowdays

I have the urge to talk to someone

about things that don't matter

things that don't make any sense

the world for me today is just like that

nonsense

how would you react if I said I liked you before?

are you surprised?

until now you and this one guy 

still on my mind

it's not like I adore you guys

for you specifically 

I like to see you being confident all along

even if it's the thing 

I know will never work out

you said you are not that bad

but trust me 

you are on that path actually

getting better on your physical 

doesn't mean that you will be good 

spiritually too

it does not work that way

you know

trust

I don't know why

I can't seem to trust

you and our other friends as well

as I want to talk comfortably

I can't 

I'm always on my guard

once

I trust guys friends before

but now it's different

and I can't figure out why

for now it's just because of one thing

differences

coming from different state 

then gather in another state

pretend like you know it all

pretend to be strong

pretend to like when you're not

pretend to smile when you don't feel like it

pretend to know when you don't 

pretend in every thing you do

once you get back home

you turn into a whole other person

these days 

I feel restless because I don't trust

the smile you give me

the assurance that it's gonna be okay

the talk that you will be there for me

everything that relates to the future

I don't have the bravery to trust

maybe

cause I do have an option

to be alone

to survive alone

that's why I never feel the need to trust